Wednesday, July 15, 2009


So I've not posted on here, sorry, things have been overwhelming and busy. Um, I'm gonna post this "letter" I wrote God on here, mostly to let you know how to pray for me. I'm really uncomfortable communicating like this at any time but I really need prayer so I'm putting this out anyway. So, um, here goes. I hope I don't regret this.

Dear God,

So obviously my life is overwhelming and scary right now. I essentially get fired from my job that was doing a pretty good job of getting me through life and stuff and have to come back here and start all over again. With nothing. Or very little. Very very little. But for some reason you’ve planned this. For lack of a better idea I’m here, where I’ve dreamed of living. And you’ve provided me with a job and an amazing church. And even a place to live till the end of the month. Free even. I kinda feel like you’ve cracked open the door but that it’s not entirely opened. Will it open completely? When? Where does it lead? I feel like the future is one big question mark. I have no marketable skill and, honestly, no marital prospects. I feel like I’m going no where. Not that I wanna get married NOW necessarily, just that whole stability thing. I’ve moved in some form or another every year for the last ten years and more than twenty times in my whole life. I have no roots or connections or whatever. To move to one place and stay there, for even two years would be so nice! Am I really relying on you for this? I feel like you’re doing this to stretch my faith. GREAT!! Is it stretched enough yet? Am I supposed to be relying on you for this? I mean, I know I am but I wish I had someone to talk to about. Really talk to. People who will just listen and not try to encourage. I’m sure I have people but I don’t like feeling like a burden on people when I talk to them. I don’t wanna just complain all the time. Because that’s what I feel like I’m doing. I know money doesn’t make things better but $5,000 would be great right now. Just to pay off P&H. $10,000 would be better, enough to get settled on after paying off my debt.

I’m thankful for what you’ve done for me so far; car, place here (for now), an amazing church with amazing people (I’ve never met such wonderful, kind hearted, genuinely interested and concerned and caring people.), a job that gets me some money and hours. Which is a start, but you know more than anyone else that it’s barely a start. It’s going to take me until August to earn even $2000. Which I earned in a month in Korea where the cost of living is so very much lower.

I know I’d love living here if you allow me to settle here. You know I’ve wanted to live here for years. But I’m willing to go elsewhere if that’s what you want. I just need you to let me know so I can do it. I know that you are doing this to bring you glory and to make me a better child of yours, it’s just kind of overwhelming and confusing right now. I know that just being here is something I don’t deserve but then I don’t even deserve salvation and anything you give me is something amazing. But it doesn’t make the interim less scary.

Thanks for what you’ve done, what you will do. I do believe, help my unbelief. Help me to rely on you and not get overwhelmed or depressed by focusing on myself. Whenever I start looking for other jobs or places to live I just wanna cry because I don’t see how it can happen. But that’s selling you short. You can do some pretty amazing things and you have. I just need to keep relying on you and not focusing on myself. Forgive me for selling you short and not relying on you.

Thanks for loving me, even when I sin. And I do so very often.

No comments: